


Struggling to breathe.

by PridefulSinner



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Choking, F/M, Gen, I don't know how to tag., Unstable mental state, mental break down, possible death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2117787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PridefulSinner/pseuds/PridefulSinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not his fault, she can't let him blame himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It says a lot about her, that while she's scared, it isn't for herself. No, despite the fact her lovers hand is wrapped around her throat and her vision is quickly bypassing blurriness and taking a head dive into blackness, she isn't scared for herself. She's afraid for him, because she _knows_ this isn't him, it isn't her James, this isn't _Bucky._ It's whatever triggered him in his sleep, whatever nightmare plagued him and shoved him to a blind state of fear and anger and blocked out James and Bucky and replaced him with the stone-cold persona of the _asset,_ of the Winter Soldier.

 

She whimpers, fingers fumbling at his wrist, scrambling to find purchase against the metal that is usually a soothing presence to her, having never been one to flinch away and be afraid of what the arm could do, she'd never been afraid of his touch before, never saw the arm as a weapon so much as what it was, _an arm._

 

She was failing to pull his fingers free from her throat. He could kill her, quickly and easily. It is that reason alone why she was so scared, because she knew he had to be fighting it, that that was the only reason she was still dragging in rasping breaths, the only reason she was still alive--he was in there trying to claw his way back to the surface, back to her to get back in control of his own actions.

 

Her grip loosens and the black closes in a bit more, “ it's not your fault.” She gasps, hoping JARVIS was able to alert Steve or Tony in time, that this wouldn't be the end of her, because he'd never forgive himself if he's the reason he loses her, she knows he won't listen to reason, that he won't listen to anything Steve or Sam say, she knows that they'll all try to assure him it wasn't his fault, even if a few of them would put a small degree of blame on him, “ s'not your fault, Buck. Love you...” Her voice is a weak rasp, her fingers still fumbling trying to pull his hand away, her lungs aching for a deeper breath of air.

 

She breaths in sharply, her fingers slipping and failing as the darkness closes in. “I love you, s'not your fault.” A mere breath too late to hear his wrecked voice scream out her name.

 

**_“Darcy?!”_ **

 


	2. Chapter 2

“ **Darcy?!”**

 

Bucky watched as she stopped struggling and her eyes slipped shut, watched as his fingers uncurled from her throat just in time to catch her before she crashed to the floor.

 

“No. No! Darcy, c'mon doll. Open your eyes...” His voice took on a frantic tone he hadn't even known he was capable of, his flesh hand brushing her hair out of her face and seeking any signs of movement. The bruising already on her neck made him want to be physically sick.

 

“JARVIS! GET STEVE, oh god. . . GET BANNER, please...” He pleaded, pressing his forehead to Darcy's, his hand brushing her hair back, his thumb cradling her cheek. “Please, Doll. I can't lose you.”

 

“Sargent Barnes, Sir and Captain Rogers will be here in a moment, Dr. Banner is setting up the medical bay, Sir if I may... Ms. Lewis' heartbeat is shallow, but she is alive. . .”

 

Bucky paid no attention to the AI, he just cradled Darcy in his arm, whispering softly to her, pleading that she would wake up, that she would be okay and that he was sorry, so sorry.

 

“Buck?!”

 

Steve crashed through the door looking frantically for his friend while Tony Stark followed behind him already half covered in metal armor.

 

“He's in the bedroom, Captain.” JARVIS provided, and Steve rushed forward followed by Tony.

 

The sight he was greeted by broke him, Darcy more pale than was normal lay seemingly lifeless in Bucky's arms as he cradled her to his chest, his hair a mess and his face red and blotchy as he murmured over and over again.“Sorry, so Sorry...”

 

“Buck?” Steve tried, taking a step closer a hand held out to grasp his friend's shoulder, he could see the marks on Darcy's neck, it didn't take him much to realize that happened and his fingers gripped tighter against Bucky's shoulder. “She'll be okay Buck, We've got to get her to Banner.”

 

Bucky couldn't move, didn't protest or fight when Steve told him he was going to take Darcy, just watched with dead eyes as his best friend picked up his girl and rushed her out of the apartment and up three floors.

 

Bucky sat there, silent and unmoving for what felt like ages but was really only a minute or two before he was disturbed by Tony's voice. “She'll be mad as hell if you're not there when she wakes up.”

 

_When,_ Stark wasn't an idiot, and yet he said _when_ , when Bucky knew it was really a matter of _if._ He's not sure how long she'd been deprived oxygen as his hand wrapped tighter around her throat.

 

“Shoulda fought harder.” He mumbled, pushing himself up off the floor, glaring at his own hands as he flexed his fingers. “Shoulda stopped it, shoulda saved her.”

 

Tony shifted uncomfortably.

 

It'd taken him a while to not be mad at Barnes, to accept him into their rag-tag gang of misfits and hero's. The man had killed his parents and while Tony and his dad may not have seen eye-to-eye very often, may not have acted like they cared for each other, Howard Stark had still been Tony's father and it hurt to see the man who had killed him, standing in his very living room.

 

But Tony saw reason, mostly at Darcy and Steve's prodding insistence, Bucky wasn't himself, he'd done what he'd been told to do, fought and killed who he was told to fight and kill or be left to suffer a torture like no other if he were to fail.

 

Tony really saw reason when he'd witness Barnes going through files, when he saw the mans face crumble and fall as he read over Howard and Maria Stark's files, because he _knew_ he'd done that, and Howard had been an ally, a friend of sorts and _he'd killed him._

 

Tony knew that Bucky was blaming himself, but the mere fact that the soldier was already proclaiming how he should've fought harder, let Tony know he hadn't been in control.

 

“It's not your fault, Barnes. Now come on, let's get you up to medical too.” Because Tony needed to find out what triggered this, because it might be able to happen again, and maybe next time the person wouldn't survive and god, Darcy needed to survive because Tony wasn't sure what would happen if she didn't. Barnes would cave in on himself again, probably wouldn't even let Steve in this time...

 

Bucky walked silently, clenching and un-clenching his metal fist, eyes never leaving the floor as he followed Tony up the few flights of stairs and into the medical bay.

 

He was assaulted by the smell of antiseptic and medicine and it made his nose scrunch up and his eyes burn. There was soft beeping noises and the sounds of machines running. He could hear Steve's voice speaking quietly to Banner's but he couldn't even make himself try to understand what they were saying, his eyes were locked on Darcy who looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, her hair in brown curls framing her beautiful, peaceful face and the dark discolored bruises of her neck.

 

He could feel the bile rising and barely made it in time to one of the trash bins before he became sick.

 

“Buck?” Steve asked, approaching his friend, placing a gentle hand on his back. “Come on, let's get you a chair.”

 

Bucky allowed himself to be hauled to his feet, let Steve shove a cup of water in his hand as he was lead to a sink so he could rinse out his mouth before he was gently pushed into a chair beside Darcy's bed.

 

He couldn't get over how _small_ she looked, how fragile and broken... couldn't get it out of his head that _he_ was the reason she was laying there.

 

“Bruce said she seems fine, it's up to her now. She'll be okay, Buck.”

 

“I... She's gonna hate me, I can't be around her, I'll just hurt her again. S'all my fault, Steve, gonna lose her and it's all my fault.”

 

“Hey, no. None of that, it's not your fault, Darcy's strong, she'll be fine, she'll wake up and then she'll kick your hide for thinkin' those things, Buck. It's not your fault.”

 

“YES IT IS!” Bucky roared, shoving Steve off of him as he stood up, pointing to the vicious purple markings along Darcy's neck. “I did those Steve, _me_ those are my hand prints, I fuckin' almost _killed her._ ”

 

He took a few steps away from the bed, before he punched a wall with his left arm, leaving a large dent.

 

“It wasn't you.”

 

Bucky looked over his shoulder as Stark entered the room, no longer suited up but instead holding a tablet in his hand. “She knew it wasn't you, she knew something triggered you, she doesn't blame you, so quit blaming yourself and do something useful, help me figure out what it was.”

 

Bucky's frows furrowed as he stalked towards Tony. “How the hell do you know that?”

 

“Because I fuckin' just watched the whole thing, Barnes and the entire time, she is more worried for you than she is for herself, so sit down and let me figure this out so out!”

 

Bucky's step faltered and his eyes danced from Tony to Darcy's still form and back again before he slumped down into a chair an nodded “Yeah... okay.”

 

“Tell us what happened Buck, what you remember.” Steve asked, voice soft as he approached his friend and sat beside him.

 

Bucky frowned, “I remember fallin' asleep like we always do, can barely move cause she's a damned barnacle in her sleep, and then I was awake and Darcy's pressed against the wall, my hand's holding her there and I'm screamin', Tellin' myself to stop, but I can't, it's like my brain wasn't connected to my movements, I couldn't do nothin' but watch her struggle, tighten my fingers a bit more, the whole time I'm just screamin', Tellin' her I'm sorry, that I'm tryin' ta stop. Tellin' 'im she's not a threat, she's not bad, she's good, she's on our side, she's not a threat, she does not need to be eliminated but he.. he won't listen, he's gotta finish the mission, gotta snuff out the light, and I try. Try to pry his hand off of her neck but it won't budge, and she's barely breathin' and I can't do nothin' to stop it... I can't do nothin'.”

 

Bruce and Tony share a look as Steve asks quietly. “Buck, who is he?”

 

Bucky's brows furrowed more, his right hand moving to pinch the bridge of his nose as if fighting off a horrible migraine. “The Asset.” He mumbles finally, “He wouldn't listen, had to complete the mission.”

 

With sad eyes, Bucky looked up at the faces of the men around him. “He wouldn't listen, wouldn't stop. Didn't say a damn thing the entire time till she blacked out, then said the arm was his, he'd do what he wanted...” His gaze broke and he looked down at the glinting metal of his forearm and felt like he was going to be sick again. “God. He can have it, it ain't nothin' but trouble, I'mma lose her, gonna lose her cause I can't control it... I don't want it!”

 

“Hey, Calm down. We'll figure it out..”

 

“No! Take it, get rid of it, melt it down for all I care!” He was on his feet again, angry and sad and scared and confused and Steve had never seen his friend in such a state and it wasn't the first time he wanted to find any possible Hydra goon and smash his face in with his shield for what they'd done to his friend.

 

“Please...” He begged from where he now stood at Darcy's bed side, tracing the lines of her sleeping face with the fingertips of his right hand. “I Can't lose her, please...”


	3. Chapter 3

Darcy's eyes were heavy but she continued to try to open then, fighting to see the light piercing through her eyelids. Upon opening them, she squints and winces waiting for her eyes to adjust best they could with out her glasses on. There was white, a lot of white almost too much white and the steady sounds of monitors and machines beeping and whirring as they worked.

 

Her brow furrowed as she tried to remember where she was, she could tell she was still in the tower, but she wasn't sure where. It wasn't till she tried to turn her head and the agony in her neck caused her to go ridgid and inhale sharply did she remember.

 

Immediately here eyes searched the room, and it didn't take long to find the sleeping form of Bucky propped up against the wall in a chair just on the side of her bed and her breathing relaxed, and one of the monitors did a little flurry of little beeps.

 

The beeps caused Bucky to startle awake and she knew the moment his gaze landed on her. She smiled softly, wiggling the fingers of one hand. “Hey there, Handsome.”

 

It hurt to speak, her voice was raw and her throat hurt and she wonders how long she's been out for it to feel this unused, but she didn't have time to think because a warm hand was pressed to her cheek and her vision was taken up entirely by Bucky as he looked over every inch of her face. “I'm okay.” She assured him, wincing as she turned her head so that she could kiss his open palm. “I'm okay.”

 

 

“Darce?” His voice sound as equally spent as hers, but she couldn't help the smile as she heard it.

 

“Yeah, I'm okay. I'm here.” She raised a hand, running her finger tips across his cheek, dragging her nails through his hair and let her hand trail down his neck, over his shoulder and made to travel down to link their fingers together when she came up short, just past his shoulder.

 

Her brows furrowed and she pushed herself up as best she could, reaching with both hands for his left arm, but all she grabbed was fabric of the hoodie he wore.

 

“Bucky?”

 

“I hurt you Darce...”

 

She shook her head, her hands leaving the hoodie to grip his face between them, making him look at her. His eyes were blood-shot and it made her own water. “No, you didn't. It wasn't you, something triggered you, it wasn't you.”

 

He blinked, trying not to look at her but she wouldn't let him look away, “But it was, I tried so hard to stop it, and I couldn't. I almost lost you...”

 

“But you did stop it, you did. Bucky, if yo- he.” She pauses and purses her lips. “If I was meant to be dead by the hands of the Winter Soldier, I would be. You stopped it, Bucky. You didn't lose me,” Her voice took on a whispering tone as she pulled his face to meet hers, resting their forehead together. “I'm right here, you'll never lose me.”

 

One arm wrapped securely around her middle and pulled her as close as it could to him, his head moving so that it was resting in the crook of her neck and shoulder.

Her heart broke further as she felt the tears against her neck.

 

Combing her fingers through his hair, she rest her head against his as she fought back her own. “I'm okay, I won't leave, you wont lose me.” She whispered several times till her voice was even more raw than before.

 

It took a few minutes for Bucky to pull away from her, cupping her face in his one hand before kissing her gently. “God, Doll. I love you.”

 

She smiled, kissing him once more. “I love you too.”

 

They sit together in silence for a while, his one good arm wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her pressed against his side, her ear resting over his heart where she can hear the steady beat. She'd been wanting to ask since she'd noticed it was missing, but there were so many other things to focus on so she kept quiet.

 

“Quit thinkin' so loud, You're givin' me a headache, just ask, Doll. When you ever one to shy away from what you're thinkin'?”

 

She laughs lightly, burying her face against his chest a moment before turning her head so she could see his face. Gentle finger tips reached out, smoothing out the worry lines around his eyes before setting beneath her chin, still resting upon his chest. “What happened to your arm, Buck?”

 

He frowned, those lines she just soothed away returning ten-fold as he searched her face before signing. “Stark has it.”

 

Darcy blinks and tilts her head to the side. “ _why.”_

 

“They asked me what happened, him and Steve and I told 'im. Darce it was like, there were two people in my head, me and then the... the guy Hydra made me be, he wouldn't listen, wouldn't let you go and then when he finally did, told me the arm was his, would do what he wanted to and... Darce.” He shakes his head, trailing his hand along her spine. “I can't risk it, I can't risk hurting you again. I had Stark remove it, he and Banner have been going over it, said they found some kinda neurotransmitter that got activated it, they let me smash it to bits with a sledge hammer. He's workin' on a new one, similar enough, but new. Somethin' that ain't as covered in red as the old one. Said the old one was safe now, but I ain't riskin' it. Not when I just got you back, ain't worth it.”

 

She smiles brightly, leaning up to kiss him softly and curl comfortably against his side. “Told ya it wasn't you.”

 

Bucky laughed, pinching her ribs lightly where he knew she was ticklish, grinning when she squirmed and squealed, pressing her self against his side before settling back down for a nap. “Yeah, Doll. I guess you're right.”

 

“When ya gonna learn, I'm always right.”

 

He grinned, and kissed the top of her head, closing his eyes. “Ain't ever gonna learn, where's the run in that?”

 

“No fun I guess.” She muses, leaning up to kiss him again. His hand tangles in her hair as he kisses her back, glad that he can do just that, that his girl is strong and kind and caring, that she never gives up on him and that she's safe and sound right there in his arms.

 

This time, Darcy's difficulty with breathing was for a whole different reason, and this is one they both could enjoy.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure there will be a few more installments to this, what happened to Darcy, a glimpse inside Bucky's mind, how the others react ect. I'm trying to get muse back and for some reason this is what happened.


End file.
